There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I love black thongs
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
