My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
