i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
