How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
