if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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