Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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