I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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