in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
