my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
