I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Buhtt sex?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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