I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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