I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
