Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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