upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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