Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
