I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
