I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
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There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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