i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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