Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
