I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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