just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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