We won't sleep together?
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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