I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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