my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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