We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
