Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
