He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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