Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
