So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
