I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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