totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
