Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
