My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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