Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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