She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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