Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
