i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
