How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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