i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
