so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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