We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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