I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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