And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
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The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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