just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
