I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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