Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
