dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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