I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
