So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
