That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
