i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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