nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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