I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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