Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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