The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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